Alfonso the Ring: Part III
by RiseAgainPhoenix
Summary: Lord of the Rings wouldn't be Lord of the Rings without the Ring, now would it? Hear the story from the Ring's point of view! Warnings: Ring has very coarse language, and Aragorn and Legolas occasionally do slashy things. FINSISHED! Last chapter up!
1. Here We Go

A/N: We're back! How have you people been? I hope you all had fun over the holidays—I know I did, if you know what I mean. Heh. Anyway, we're here at the beginning of the last part of Al's adventures. I never really thought we'd make it this far, yet here we are! I'm very excited about all of this, and I hope you are too. If you're a new reader to this, I want to first of all thank you for showing interest in this…you, of course, have no idea what "this" is. Allow me to explain. This is part three of an epic saga, and it might be wise to go read the other two parts before continuing—they can be found by clicking on my author name and looking for "Alfonso the Ring" and "Alfonso the Ring: Part II" on my page. It's not _mandatory_, but it's a good idea if you want to understand the running jokes and the references and, y'know, the _plot_. For those of you who are new and interested, yet lazy (or those of you who are old and wise, but forgetful), I've provided a really brief recap below. It barely glosses over the other two parts, but it's better than nothing.

Really Brief Recap: Once upon a time, Sauron made a ring, brought it to life, and named him Alfonso. Sauron then took over the world. The simple folk connected the dots and decided that Alfonso must be the source of Sauron's power—the trouble was, the ring had nothing to do with it. So for thousands of years, people continued to think that Alfonso had evil powers, when in reality he did not. Fast-forward a few millennia. Frodo and co. set out to destroy the perfectly innocent Al, and yes, he is pissed. However, Al eventually convinces everyone that he doesn't possess evil powers, but by then the fight against Sauron has turned into a full-fledged war. Frodo and co. tell Al that they have to at least pretend to kill him, because he's _symbolic_ of evil. They promise that they'll somehow think of a plan to save him before they reach Mt. Doom. Al is not altogether comforted. Frodo's company gets split up. Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli and Gandalf go to Gondor to help Theoden fight off the Uruk army, Merry and Pippin go with Treebeard to level Isengard, and Frodo and Sam and Al pick up Gollum along the way to Mordor. Al keeps everyone connected and up-to-date by using his magical telepathy-type abilities (dubbed RingVision by loyal readers), with which he can find/see/hear/talk to the others no matter where they are in Middle Earth. Frodo and Al met Faramir and became good friends, but then Faramir bought into the whole ring-is-a-symbol-we-must-destroy-the-symbol ideology. Faramir promised to also help think of a plan to save Al before they get to Mt. Doom. The narrative ends with Al basically back where he was when part one ended—travelling towards Mt. Doom with Frodo and Sam (and this time Gollum), and all of his friends telling him that they might have to murder him because he's a symbol.

Disclaimer: It's been a prologue and fifty-three chapters since I began this story, which means there've been fifty-four statements to the effect of "I. Don't. Own. A. Damn. Thing." Do I really need to do it again, or have you figured it out?

Chapter 1: Here We Go . . .

Honestly, Frodo, just because you can't sleep doesn't mean you need to be keeping me up, too.

"Ring, you don't even need to sleep. You're a _ring_."

Yeah, and you know what else I don't need? I don't need to listen to another eight hours of you bitching non-stop about everyone's hardships and suffering. I'm the one who's most likely to die when all's said and done, but you don't see me being all doom and gloom about it EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SECOND. You really need to lighten up, Frodo. Do you have some sort of clinical depression?

"No." Frodo huddled deeper in his cloak and muttered something about how he would've liked to die in the comfort of his own bed, instead of in some godforsaken cave with Sam and a talking ring as his only company.

So you're just a drama queen? There isn't some sort of medical reason behind all of this.

"I don't know, okay? Maybe that's just how I am, Ring. Maybe there are just some things I cannot control. You, of all people, should understand. Why does everyone want to kill you? Was it because of something you did? No. It was just because you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Actually, I kinda think it's because of the intrinsic nature of man. People will always, always be corrupt and evil on some level. Some people realize this, and they face it and deal with it. Those are the good people. And then the other people, they go into denial and they look for a scapegoat. Instead of acknowledging their own evil, they blame others. That's where I come in. Instead of acknowledging that they're bad rulers who've failed their people, kings just go "Oh, it's the Evil Ring of Power's fault that I can't rule properly. It must be destroyed!" Which is, obviously, just bullshit.

"Sure, that may be the _reason_ we are in this mess," Frodo said insistently, "but my point still stands. The intrinsic nature of man is out of your control just as it is out of mine; we are mere pawns in the game of fate. We were pulled into this at random, through no fault of our own and without our consent. Don't you see, Ring? Everything is beyond our control!"

So you think we were fated to sit in a cave discussing existentialism and the corruption of man while Sam snores like the disgusting pig he is?

Frodo frowned. "Maybe. I just don't know. I feel so completely helpless right now."

Before I could respond to that totally emo comment, a deep rumble shook the earth.

Okay, that's either Sam's stomach or a volcanic eruption. Which reminds me: Mt. Doom is a live volcano. Is walking _towards_ it really the smartest thing to do?

Gollum chose that moment to come bounding into the cave, slobbering in his excitement. "Come, come, masters! Wake up! We have leave! This place is not safe! The sooner we are finished with it, the better! Quick!"

Sam woke up and made a face, either at having to wake up from his wet dreams of Frodo or at seeing Gollum first thing in the morning. "We cannot leave yet," he protested groggily, "Mr. Frodo must have something to eat first!"

"No! We must go! Quick, masters, quick!"

"No! Mr. Frodo must have his breakfast!"

"NO! We leave now! NOW!"

Frodo and I just sat back and watched the two of them freak out at each other. Gollum finally gave up and ran away, babbling about how the "stupid hobbitses don't know they have to leave NOW," etc. etc. Which meant that Sam won, and we would have to delay our journey for breakfast. Not like I was complaining—any delay, however small, meant I would be alive for a moment longer.

Sam brought out a bit of lembas bread and fed it to Frodo lovingly. Frodo, a bit perturbed but still struggling to be polite, took the bread and ate it quickly. "What about you, Sam? Are you not going to eat?"

And then Sam uttered the most disturbing thing I have ever, in my 3000-plus-years, ever heard anyone say. "I'm not hungry. At least…not for lembas bread," he said lecherously, casting his eye over Frodo's body.

Oh. My. God. Did he just insinuate that…?

Frodo got up hurriedly and brushed the crumbs off of his clothes with clumsy hands. "We really should listen to Smeagol…he knows this territory best. We should hurry up and get going," he said, and then practically ran out of the cave.

I snickered.

"Don't laugh, Ring. Sam is a good friend, and a good person. His feelings are not his fault, and I am only sorry that I cannot…like him 'that way' in return."

I laughed in his face.

Frodo got all huffy then, and sniped, "Might I remind you that _you_ used to date _Gollum_? At least Sam is of my own species."

Okay, whoa. First of all, that is a low blow, not to mention ancient history. It's _dark_ in an underground cave, okay, and I was stuck with him for like fifty years. Things happen. Second of all, I didn't think you were capable of such a nasty comment, Frodo! And you used to be such a nice little hobbit-muffin. This whole quest thingy really _is_ getting to you.

"You sound awfully delighted," Frodo pointed out through gritted teeth. He was following Gollum, who was leading us god knows where, and Sam was behind us, holding all our stuff and scrambling to catch up.

Yeah, well, I am delighted. I think if you keep this up, our conversations would actually be fun, instead of the boring, angsty, I'm-so-depressed-I-would-slit-my-wrists-if-it-weren't-for-the-fact-that-so-many-people-are-counting-on-me-oh-the-pressure-I-can't-take-it ones we usually have. See, the correct way to deal with stressful situations is to make fun of them so that everyone feels better, not to drag everyone down into a hopeless abyss along with you.

Frodo didn't bother answering me. The four of us trudged along the craggy hinterlands in the awkward silence that we were by now sadly accustomed to, when all of a sudden…

"Ring? Can you come help us for a moment?" Gandalf summoned me using telepathy.

Godammit, I'm not a dog.

"Come here! We need your help!"

Would it kill you to treat me with a little respect? Maybe say please once in a while?

"Ring, could you _please _come here, as we require assistance that only a person with your immense skill and dexterity can provide?" Legolas sang out in his silver voice.

There, that's more like it. Hold on, bitches, I'll come help you in a sec.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TBC


	2. What Did Gandalf Want?

A/N: Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed, and all those stubborn/shy people who read and didn't review. I'm really glad to see I haven't lost the old regulars, not to mention really excited to see newcomers. Welcome to the fold, guys! Thanks for joining us! For those who don't already know, I'm an atrocious updater because I'm in my last year of high school and I'm in the full IB program, which means I'm BUSY AS HELL with school stuff. This will be the last update for several weeks, because I've got midterms coming up. But I'll update either the last few days of January, or the first week of February at the latest. Which reminds me: I want to try something new in Part III. I'm going to tell you when the next update will be in the author's notes—that way, you guys will know when they'll be, and I'll have a deadline (which should hopefully force me to update more regularly).

Disclaimers: Every Lord of the Rings fan knows that you can't actually own LotR…_it_ owns _you_.

Chapter 2: What Did Gandalf Want? . . .

It took me a few minutes to find Aragorn, his Leggy-weggy-honey-bunny-etc., Gimli, and Gandalf. They were riding through the woods toward the general direction of Isengard.

Okay, okay, I'm here. How may your slave serve you, o exalted master?

"We want take Meriadoc and that fool of a Took with us to the mountain pass," Gandalf said gruffly. "Go check if they are still at Isengard with Treebeard."

"Please," Legolas added, before I could get my hackles raised again.

Fine, whatever. I guess it's better than watching Sam rape Frodo with his eyes.

I did a quick mental sweep of the area around Isengard, just to make sure there was nothing weird or dangerous going on. Man, the thoughtful little favours I do for those ingrates, and they don't even appreciate me.

The Ents really did a number on Isengard. What used to be Saruman's Tower, Workshop, and Flourishing Weapons Industry was now more like a swamp. Ents wandered around, kicking down the last few stumps of buildings and machinery that stuck up out of the water. I spotted Merry and Pippin sitting on one of those stumps, stuffing their faces. I didn't bother saying anything to them, because really, who in his right mind would talk to them if he didn't have to? I just went back to Gandalf with the news.

I'm back, I announced.

Aragorn's horse twitched at the sudden appearance of my voice, and I waited for him to calm it down.

Okay, so the wonder twins are both still at what's left of Isengard, and they're busy having one of their many afternoon meals. If you hurry, maybe they'll share.

"They're unharmed, then? All's well?" Aragorn asked.

I was about to retort that yeah, obviously, or else why would they be calmly eating. But then I remembered that it was _Merry and Pippin_ we were talking about here, and they could probably find a way to eat even if all of their limbs had been torn off, so Aragorn was actually asking a fair question.

Yes, they're fine, we're fine, everyone's fine. Just because big, manly Aragorn isn't there to take care of us doesn't mean we'll all immediately die. Full of yourself, much?

"I was not thinking that," Aragorn retorted.

I could tell from the way his nostrils flared that he so was, and I stage-whispered this fact to Legolas, who tried to giggle yet reprimand me at the same time. That earned him a wounded glare from Aragorn. Legolas had to spend the rest of the trip assuring him that he loved his manly nostrils; Gimli sat behind the saccharinely doting Legolas, quietly wishing that his stumpy legs were longer so he could have a horse of his very own.

The four of them eventually made it to Isengard, where they saw the true extent of the damage for the first time. Merry and Pippin were still sitting on their piece of debris, pigging out. The joyful reunion was sort of cute, but Aragorn and co. were a lot less impressed than I thought they'd be.

"We managed to get a lot done, didn't we?" Merry asked cheerfully, sweeping his arms to indicate the whole of what used to be Isengard and area. "Surprised, are ya?"

The others looked the definition of unsurprised. "Not really," Gimli said with a shrug. "You always do about this amount of damage if we leave you unsupervised fer long enough."

"Ah, but we didn't do it alone! We had help—Treebeard runs the show now," Pippin explained, raising his mug of ale and using it to indicate a group of Ents huddled in a circle doing…something.

What are they doing? I asked.

"Oh, it's the Ring! You're with us too! Well, it's a jolly old party now, isn't it? How are Frodo and Sam?" Pippin chirped.

Fine. Great. What are the Ents doing?

"I think they're having a spot of fun with Saruman," Merry said offhandedly while biting off an obscenely large chunk of bread. "Would anyone like some lunch?" he offered, spraying crumbs.

Everyone politely declined. Gandalf decided to go investigate exactly what the Ents were doing to Saruman, and the rest of us followed him out of curiosity.

Now there's a sight I never thought I'd see. The Ents crouched in a circle, with Saruman trapped in the middle. They had his Palantir—that all-seeing orb that operated on the same principles of magic as my own vision did—and they were dangling it just out of his reach. Every time he reached for it, they'd pass it over his head to another Ent, so on and so forth. Saruman jumped and screamed and snarled and begged, but the Ents were impervious to anything he did. They would just laugh their deep, rumbling laugh and pass the Palantir to someone else.

"Ooh, that ball is shiny!" Pippin said, "May I have it?"

The Ents, no doubt used to doing whatever the hobbits asked just to get them to shut the hell up, passed it to Pippin without a word.

"Ooooooh," Pippin murmured, staring into its depths.

Gandalf quickly snatched it from him before he could do anything stupid, like accidentally communicate with Sauron. Or eat it. "Peregrine Took, do not play with things that you cannott understand," he instructed.

Pippin pouted. Gandalf frowned at him and turned to Treebeard. "I trust you shall be able to keep Saruman safely locked away?"

"Of course," Treebeard assured him in his deep, deep voice. "You shan't have to worry about him ever again."

Satisfied, Gandalf carefully wrapped up the Palantir in some soft cloths and tucked it away. "Very well, then. Thank you, my old friend, for everything you've done. We leave the rest to you." He then turned to the hobbits. "Come on, you two. You've done enough mischief here. Say goodbye to Treebeard before we're off."

Hey, where are you guys going now? I asked as Aragorn and Gandalf swung a hobbit each into the saddle behind them.

"To my favourite part of every battle," Gimli said, grinning lewdly.

Wait, what battle? The Helm's Deep one? But that's over.

"Exactly." Gimli rubbed his palms in anticipation.

I am. So. Lost.

"Och, c'mon, Ring! Yer old, ain't ya? Don't tell me you've never been to an after-party!"

After…party.

"That's right, Ring." Aragorn exchanged some sort of secret, insiders-only look with Legolas. "It is customary to celebrate a victory." He smiled one of his smug little half-smiles before turning his horse around expertly, heading back the way they came. The others followed suit.

What do you mean, 'celebrate'? Guys? Hello?

"Follow us and you'll see," Aragorn called back, already heading into the forest at full gallop.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TBC

ps- I have a livejournal account, by the way. If anyone's interested in what I do outside of this fic or the other fiction that I write but don't post on here (it's mostly slash), go there. My user name is matchsticks(underscore)p, except the underscore is an actual underscore and not the word 'underscore'...this website really needs to allow more symbols. Anyway,I will love you forever if you friend me, or at least contact me.


	3. THE LAST CHAPTER!

A/N: So. Hey everyone! How have you been? It's been a long, long while, huh? I bet some of you didn't think you'd ever see me again. You should've had more faith in me---I wouldn't just leave you hanging like that! I do have a very important announcement for you, though. THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER OF "ALFONSO THE RING." Like, ever. VERY LAST CHAPTER, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. I thought about it for a really long time, and decided that it was time to end it. This fic has been going on for three years, and while I've loved every moment, three years is a Really. Long. Time. Plus, it's my last year of high school; if I'm too busy to update now, I don't think I'll have time to update in university. I just can't dedicate the kind of time and resources that this fic needs and deserves. Instead of just letting it disappear unfinished into oblivion, though, I decided to do this SPECIAL LAST CHAPTER. I've had an ending and an epilogue in mind since Part II started; I also had a bunch of jokes/gags I was planning to use, and vague scenes/dialogues here and there. They'll never be developed now, but at least they won't be wasted. I've thrown them all together with my running commentary, and now you can find out what finally happened to Al the Ring in the last chapter of Part III of his adventures.

Disclaimers: Bite me.

THE LAST CHAPTER . . .

(we left off with Aragorn and co. about to show Al how they did an after-battle party)

(I didn't really have any plans for this scene. Gimli eating is really, really gross to watch, so those jokes pretty much write themselves. Eowyn really came onto Aragorn there, so I was going to have Al throw in a few snipes about how she wasn't girly enough for Aragorn, and then cut to Legolas, who _is_ girly enough for Aragorn. And then Al leaves the party to quickly check on his own situation.)

The first thing to greet my eyes as I returned from the party was Sam trying to kill Gollum, Frodo pulling Sam off of Gollum, Sam trying to cop a feel of Frodo's ass as he was being pulled off, and Frodo being sick and tired of his many burdens. Same old, same old. God. I'm stuck _here_ while those guys are getting piss-drunk out of their minds? How awesome (NOT!) was my life?

I went back to check on the party later, but by then the party was over and everybody had headed off to bed. Everybody except Pippin.

Pippin, what the hell are you doing up?

"Nothing. I just wanted to see something." So saying, he grabbed the Palantir from the sleeping Gandalf.

Whoa, guy, you do not want to see that. The Palantir is my only rival in terms of all-seeing abilities, because it's not only all-seeing, it's also a direct line to Sauron's vision. Don't fuck with it.

"Too late," the obnoxious little hobbit chirped, whipping out the Palantir and staring into it.

Great. Now I've gotta go tell someone about this. Let's hope Legolas and Aragorn are still awake. …Wait, what am I saying? Of _course_ they're still awake. Ugh.

Uh, Aragorn? Legolas? I have something important to tell you. You wanna put some clothes on before I look?

A minute later, I was telling them about the emergency. Pippin's got his grubby little paws on the Palantir. Not only is that thing powerful enough to kill him, Sauron can use it to read his mind. You might want to get over there and try to salvage the situation.

(And then I've got nothing for them saving Pippin, nothing about them finding out about the planned attack on Minas Tirith, nothing about Gandalf leaving with Pippin, nothing on the Terror Twins' heart-wrenching parting, nothing about all the elves preparing to leave over the ocean except 1, have you noticed that all the elves are leaving Legolas behind like he doesn't matter? And 2, Arwen's pregnant with an interspecies child, ew! Nothing about Gandalf and Pippin getting to Minas Tirith, either. Nothing on their meeting Boromir's power-obsessed dad, Denethor. But I've got something for Gandalf and Pippin's discussion that night.)

Gandalf and Pippin stood at the top of the castle's tower, looking at the thunderclouds gathered permanently over Mordor.

"There is still hope, right?" Pippin asked worriedly.

"Not much," Gandalf said, not even bothering to comfort the kid. "We have yet to face our most dangerous foe, Sauron's deadliest minion, the Witch-King of Angmar."

Oh my god, Larry?

Pippin looked mightily confused. "What?"

Larry! The guy who stabbed Frodo on the Weathertop, way back when. Man, _that's_ Sauron's secret weapon? Dude, he's got an IQ of, like, negative fifty. Your pointy hat could probably outsmart him. If that's the best Sauron's got, why are you people even worried about this war?

"They say he cannot be killed by any man," Gandalf said ominously.

(And then there's nothing again. Nothing about the army coming from the City of the Dead, nothing about the invasion of Minas Tirith, nothing about lighting the beacon of Amon Dîn to call for Rohan's help except a line about Al wondering if the friendship between Rohan and Gondor is as DEADDEADDEAD as everyone says it is, why do they still employ people to be ready to light these things? I've got nothing about the men of Rohan riding off to help Gondor, except an author's note about how Karl Urban (who plays Eomer) is kind of hot. Yay, we see Faramir again! But unfortunately, I have nothing about him. Not even for that beautifully tragic juxtaposition of his dad Denethor stuffing his face with food while he sends his son off to die, which made me (and Al) very sad. Definitely nothing about Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli's little sojourn into the chamber under the mountain, where they make a deal with ghost warriors, because…yeah, that's too ON CRACK even for me. And I still have nothing on the battle at Minas Tirith. In fact, I've got nothing right up until wily little Gollum leads Frodo and Al into the lair of the giant spider. At this point, Sam's been left behind. Frodo escapes the spider once, chases off Gollum, but the spider gets him the second time. In all the scuffle, Al gets dropped.)

I watched as the big-ass spider wrapped Frodo up in webbing. Ew. Oh, whoops, I guess I said that too loudly. She's noticed me.

"Hi," the spider said in a strangely friendly tone for someone planning to eat Frodo. "My name is Bethany."

Um. Hi.

"I can spin a web in less than thirty seconds," she said extremely proudly.

That's very clever of you, I told her.

"I can drain your friend in less than a minute," she announced, equally proudly.

O…kay.

She chattered on about all the things she could do and the times she could do them in. Coming up with polite, not-freaked-out responses became increasingly difficult, until, oh thank god, it's Sam. Sam, Sam, Sam, this is the first time I've ever been happy to see you.

(So Sam chases off Bethany and almost rescues the bundle of webbing that is Frodo, except he's a fucktard and lets Orcs take him. So then the Ring is left with Sam. Both are horrified, but for different reasons.)

(I still have nothing for the ongoing battle at Minas Tirith, except that I like how the troops of Rohan's battle cry is "DEATH!" because it's just so optimistic. Nothing on crazy Denethor's crazy reverse-Oedipal son-killing thing, except that it's crazy and also that the Ring and I are both glad they saved Faramir after all. And, okay, seriously, I have nothing about the battle. I'm so sorry. It's such a huge scene, and I've got nothing. Well, I have one comment: I love how the Witch-King Larry kept insisting that no man can kill him, and then not one, but _two_ random not-man beings stab him. So, the good guys win the Minas Tirith battle, Theoden dies fighting, Eowyn is validated, and Merry and Pippin have a loving reunion.)

Meanwhile, I guided Sam through the long and winding Orc towers in our attempt to rescue Frodo. It wasn't really that hard, which was surprising because it was Sam and I, alone with each other, accomplishing something without either of us being murdered by the other. We actually found Frodo, without even much arguing. What. The. Fuck.

"Mr. Frodo! Oh, Mr. Frodo, you're alive!"

The Orcs had left him on the floor, unguarded and mostly naked. His clothes and belongings lay strewn about the room. Just what is it about our delicious hobbitmuffin that makes you want to strip him the second you get him?

"Shut up, Ring," Frodo said good naturedly as Sam handed me back to him, chain and all.

(And then Sam and Frodo and Al move on, getting ever closer to Mount Doom. I have nothing for Aragorn and co.'s plan to distract all the Orcs that are between Frodo and Mount Doom by acting as bait, luring them to fight at the Black Gate. I also have nothing for the actual fight at the Black Gate, which is too bad because it was a lovely fight sequence. Anyway, we get to the part where Frodo and Sam and Al have finally entered the heart of Mount Doom. Gollum joins them out of nowhere. So, the four of them are standing over the churning lava, and a plan to save all _still_ doesn't exist. Al is understandably upset.)

Frodo fucking Baggins. I am not amused.

Frodo chewed his lip worriedly.

"We are locked in the middle of the hardest fight Middle Earth has ever seen, Mr. Frodo. The only thing that will turn the tide in favour of the side of goodness is if we destroy that symbol of darkness," Sam said, uttering the most obvious thing ever.

Yes, Samwise fucking Gamgee, thank you for the astute observation, but I am well aware of the situation. Frodo is well aware of the situation. Everyone is well aware of the situation, because it's been the same fucking situation since the beginning. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'm as fucked as I've always been, because no one on the face of this planet feels any obligation to help a completely innocent being. Your promises are EMPTY. They mean NOTHING. I HATE YOU ALL. Just throw me into the fucking flames so I won't ever have to see your traitorous, indifferent, lying face anymore!

"Oh for goodness sakes, Ring, calm down," Frodo said irritably. Meanwhile, all around us, magma churned and Sauron's eye watched, and the roaring sound of a thousand clashing armies echoed throughout the land.

Calm. Down. You want me to calm---FUCKING KILL ME RIGHT THIS SECOND, OKAY? LET ME OFF THIS CHAIN, AND I WILL FUCKING ROLL INTO THAT VOLCANO MYSELF!

"Ring." Frodo had the nerve to talk to me in that chastising voice kindergarten teachers used for difficult children. He took me off a little to the side, out of Sam's and Gollum's hearing. "I know it seems as though I have given nothing but empty promises, but try to see things from my point of view. This journey has been tiring for me too. I am but a little hobbit from the Shire, unused to fearing for my life every other hour. I have had to stay on my toes and try to stay alive. I did not have a single spare moment to think of a definite plan: by day, we travelled and fought, and by night I had to keep one eye on Gollum and the other eye carefully on Sam's wandering hands. The only moments I had to myself was when I was kidnapped by a giant spider. So you must understand that---"

Excuses aren't going to save me, I pointed out.

"No, no, I know. I just wanted to tell you that, in case anything goes wrong. I do not want either of us to die angry at each other, if things do not go according to plan. I want us to be friends in the end, Ring."

Wait, what do you mean 'according to plan'? I thought we didn't have a plan?

Frodo smiled. "Those few moments alone when the spider kidnapped me were rather helpful, as I was able to think of some semblance of a plan," he whispered. "I could not tell you until now, because it is necessary for Sam and Gollum to be unaware of the plan if it is to work."

I refused to let him get my hopes up. What's the plan, I asked suspiciously.

"Look around you," Frodo replied rather cryptically. "What do you see?"

I don't know, wasteland? Lava? Rocks? Nothing?

"Exactly."

I'm sorry, _that's_ your plan?

"There's no one around," Frodo explained. "No one to watch us, no witnesses to ever know if I really threw you into Mount Doom. I could simply pretend, and the only people who would ever know would be you and me."

And Gollum and Sam. What about them?

"Gollum is not a worry. Anything he says will be discounted as the ravings of a madman, so it does not matter if he knows. As for Sam, well, as I mime a throwing motion, I shall bend over. Samwise will be so busy ogling my bottom that he shall not notice whether I threw anything."

Oh my god, Frodo…that's…_genius_! That is brilliance in its purest, distilled form.

"So you're not still angry at me?"

Oh, I'm still angry, because I still have a lot to be angry about. But I no longer want to get away from you so badly that I'd rather die. And you deliberately letting Sam ogle your ass definitely goes a long way towards earning my forgiveness.

(And then I don't have the next part written out, but I'll take you through it. Basically, Al and Frodo rejoin the group and pretend that Al has agreed to sacrifice himself for the greater good. Sam gets a little teary and apologises for all the times he was ever mean to Al, because he believes Al is going to martyr himself. Frodo does his fake throwing thing, Sam predictably checks out his ass and doesn't notice that he hasn't thrown anything. Frodo's so good at pretending, though, that Gollum actually thinks he threw the Ring in. Gollum goes a little crazy, screaming stuff about how he can't live without the Ring, and jumps in. He realizes, of course, that it's a trick, but a second after that he's dead, so it's okay. Al is glad the Gollum problem solved itself. But then Mount Doom starts erupting (Al was going to get some jokes about how Gollum's so ugly that even Mount Doom wants to reject him), and in all the confusion Frodo easily slips Al into his pocket. The hobbits are rescued, and Frodo and Al are the only people who know the truth. The whole world thinks the Ring has been destroyed; this destruction of the symbol of Sauron's power psychologically enables Good to beat Evil. Long story short, Frodo's plan worked.)

(A few months after everyone gets back home, Frodo reveals the secret to Gandalf. Gandalf, the old busybody that he is, blabs to Aragorn. Aragorn, who is now king, is concerned about the situation. He's glad that Al didn't really die, but he doesn't think it's safe to just have him so close to Sam, who knows enough to figure out what happened but wouldn't know enough to keep his mouth shut about it.)

(Also, a quick note on Aragorn: because he's king, he needs a queen. So he officially marries Arwen (who's basically his adopted sister! Ack!), but Legolas isn't out of the picture. Legolas is Aragorn's "trusted advisor", but everyone in his court knows that's just the king's slang for "royal concubine/love slave/hunny bunny".)

(And now we get to the epilogue. Don't worry, it won't be like the movie, which had like SEVENTEEN FADE-OUTS/EPILOGUES. There's only this one epilogue.)

(at Frodo's home in the Shire)

"Hello? Is Master Baggins in?"

"Gandalf!" Frodo jumped up from his habitual moping and ran to greet Gandalf with a hug.

"My dear Frodo! How are you, my boy?"

He has post-traumatic stress disorder, I helpfully informed Gandalf from my hiding place on the mantle.

"Oh?" Gandalf took in Frodo's pasty skin and hollow cheeks and the dark bags under his eyes. "Do you now?"

"No, I don't," Frodo said grumpily, "because PTSD implies that the trauma is _over_." He glared at me. "The trauma is most definitely not over."

Okay, look, ever since we came back from our little adventure, Frodo's been a wreck. I've been around for a long time; I've seen it before. When you go on a really long quest, one that lasts for months or years, it starts to define you. And when that quest is over, you feel at a loss, because what you've been living for for so long is done. Frodo's has issues. He's having trouble adjusting to life after the fact. You should get him some help. Or some mind-altering drugs.

"I do not need mind-altering drugs," Frodo said, exasperated. "I am not at a loss, and I do not have issues. I only have one, singular issue. And the issue is you, Ring. You never shut up. Day in, day out, from morning 'til night, and sometimes even throughout the night, you talk. And the things you say? They are always negative, either insults or complaints or a curious and bitter mixture of both. Is it any wonder I suffer from trauma? Every single second of my life is spent listening to your endless spite."

Could you be any more insensitive? I live in a fucking clay jar on your mantelpiece. I'm bored out of my fucking mind. I have to talk to keep myself from going insane. Can't you afford me even that small mercy? There's nothing to do, and it's not like you ever take me out or talk to me or pretend to be remotely nice to me. Talking is how I cope.

"My hands are tied, Ring! I cannot talk to you or take you out or even act like you exist, because your existence must remain a secret! No one can know, or else chaos shall come again! You could not fathom how much I worry about your safety, my safety, the safety of everyone in Middle Earth. I live in constant fear that at any given moment, you will be discovered."

By this time, the air was fraught with tension. We were saying all the things we've wanted to say for a really long time. Gandalf interrupted delicately.

"I am beginning to see what the problem is. Happily, I have a solution."

Oh god, what? I remember the last time you had a solution; it involved telling everyone I had evil powers and they had to kill me.

"That was a mistake from which I have learned, my dear Ring. I assure you, this solution is much better. You two are clearly need a change of pace. Young Master Frodo looks twenty times his age, and it really is cruel to be keeping the Ring in such a small jar. I propose a vacation for Master Baggins, and a surprise for the Ring."

(and then the Ring freaks out, because a surprise from Gandalf is kind of sketchy. But they bully him into going along with it. Frodo is sent off on a ship to go West and recover, and Al is packed up in a little box. Gandalf travels with him for a few weeks, and Al has no idea where they're going because it's a 'surprise' and he's in a box. They finally get to their destination, and Al guesses from the motions of the box that he's being handed over to someone else.)

Christ, Gandalf, you better not have sold me, I said threateningly.

"Hush, Ring, or you shall ruin the surprise," a very, very familiar voice murmured.

The next thing I knew, that voice was saying "Will you marry me?" while opening the top of my box.

I looked up and was promptly almost blinded by sparkling eyes, smooth porcelain skin, glistening blond hair and a smile showing impeccably white teeth.

"Oh, Aragorn, of course I will. Oh, goodness, Alfonso? Is that really you?"

Legolas? I'm your _wedding ring_? What the---

"Gandalf and I agreed it would be the best course of action," Aragorn explained. "Your secret is better kept here, where no one would even begin to suspect that the ring on Legolas's finger could be the fabled Ring of Power. And Frodo deserves a break after all he's been put through."

Fuck that; _I_ deserve a break after all I've been put through. Hey, wait, aren't you married already? Aren't there laws against polygamy?

"I am king now, Ring. I _make_ the laws."

So, as you can see, Aragorn finally accepted his kingship. Arwen accepted her place as the second-best wife, Legolas accepted the idea of having to live with me 24/7, and everyone else accepted their lots in life, and we all lived happily ever after. Except, y'know, all those people who didn't get to live happily ever after, such as all those thousands who died in battle. But this story wasn't about them, fuck no. It was about me. It started with me, and it's gonna end with me.

All's well that ends well.

**The End.**

I guess this is really it, huh? The end. Those are the two saddest, yet most satisfactory words a writer can ever write. It's been a crazy, crazy ride. Thank you so much, my dear readers, for coming on this long-ass journey with me. I'm going to do a few individual thank you's now; if you don't feel like reading my long thank you notes, feel free to scroll past them to the review button. But don't scroll past the review button. Press it.

(I'm not going to personally thank everyone. If I don't leave you a personal message, it's not because I don't think you were important or I didn't like your review. I love each and every one of you like a brother-in-arms. It's just that I only have so much time to type this up, and besides, I don't want to have thank you notes longer than the chapter itself! Everyone who's ever reviewed, contacted me, or read in lurker silence is appreciated. Please know this.)

**biisis**- I know we don't ever talk or see each other any more, and you'll probably never see this message, but you were there from the very beginning and that's important to me.

**Zephelia**- Dude. Why am I even typing this to you? You know that you're one of the only people on the face of this planet that I really truly like, but if you ever see this, it'll just reinforce this fact some more.

**mis.mira**- You just started reading, and then I had to go and end this on you! So sorry; I hope you stuck around to read this last chapter.

**ReginaLucifer**- You joined late, but you were more than welcome. Thank you for all the times you read and reviewed.

**brettley**- Thanks for being there when this started three years ago. :)

**Volinde**- Thank you for staying with this story for so long. I hope you read this.

**crazyroninchic**- What can I say? Another late-comer who stuck with me for an insanely long time. Thank you so much.

**Anonyma**- Your reviews were always amusingly passionate. I'm so glad I've been able to entertain you. Thanks for every thought you ever spared for this silly little story.

**ShaedowCat**- I'm sorry I never got to all the good parts in Part III that you were looking forward to! I hope this last chapter didn't disappoint too much. I'm grateful for all your feedback.

**Middle-Earthian**- I don't know if you're still reading, but if you are, I just wanted to say thanks for the support.

**frodofreak88**- Haha, I love you, you crazy kid. You commented on pretty much every chapter since Part II, and they were always short but funny and sweet and I appreciated each one.

**MeyRevived2**- Thanks a bunch for all the time you wasted on me. Your reviews made me smile more than you'd know.

**Hoofin' It**- I'm probably horribly undeserving of all the love you've shown for my stories. I've appreciated it anyway. Thank you!

**SireenC**- Thank you endlessly for being so into this fic. I'm sorry I wasn't able to continue it, because I feel like I've sort of let down readers such as you. I hope you don't hate me for it.

**I Estel vinta amarbarenna lomeo A Duath**- Aside from having a crazy long penname, you were also the writer of some awfully interesting reviews. You didn't review often, but I appreciated it each time, because you had something to say each time. Thanks.

**Chaosti**- Best for last! Aside from being the funniest, coolest, most dedicated reader I have EVER had the pleasure of suckering into reading my stuff, you are also an all-around awesome person. You've kept me oriented and motivated for three years. Everything that Al has ever done was in some way influenced by you. Without you, this fic would have ended around chapter five of Part I. I'm glad I decided to post this story, if for no other reason than having gained you as a friend. Thank you for always being there for me. It's my pleasure to declare you Al's official adoptive mother. XD I know you'll take good care of him. God knows he's better in your hands than in mine. (And if you ever get the insane urge to play around in my universe and write a fic involving Al, you have my full blessings.) YOU RULE AND I LOVE YOU.

To everyone: Thank you once more for coming this far with me. I guess this is really good-bye.


End file.
